The Cryptolexicon

The Cryptolexicon is a hard bound journal that was handwritten by a mentally unstable former priest named Doolin Donnelly. In 1840 Doolin secluded himself on a small island in the middle of Rotten Lake in what is now Douro-Dummer Township. Then he disappeared, leaving behind only a ramshackle campsite and the journal. Contained within its pages are rambling descriptions of what the priest claimed to be ancient hieroglyphics of an unknown origin. Doolin does not name the exact location of these hieroglyphs in the Cryptolexicon. In the journal he claimed that the hieroglyphs themselves contained a dangerous eldrich power and were best left alone. Those that have taken the time to study the journal and the folklore surrounding Doolin have surmised that the supposed location may be in an isolated northern corner of Peterborough county into which Doolin apparently ventured after being excommunicated from the Church in 1839. Local folklore claims that  Doolin went insane after eating copious amounts of a toxic mushroom he found growing in the basement of the Cathedral of St. Peter-In-Chains. The Cryptolexicon is currently in the archival collection of the Peterborough Museum and Archives. 

Into the Widening Gyre

When should personal ideas for a creative project be shared? I feel that there is always a danger when deciding to share my ideas with others. I fear that I have not let my ideas gestate for nearly long enough and that they will stumble forth into the world as half formed monstrosities of embarrassment. Even in this Age of the Overshare in which we live, my fear is usually enough to keep my ideas to myself. And man do I ever have ideas. All the time. Every day. Constantly. Up until relatively recently I didn't even write these ideas down. I've now discovered that when I get an idea out on paper it tends to stop churning away in my brain. Needless to say that my room is strewn with notebooks, journals, print outs and random pieces of paper everywhere, like so:

Even if I didn't already know that I'm a crazy person, I think that once enough feverishly scrawled pieces of writing piled up on the floor of my bedroom I would eventually figure out that I'm a crazy person. Really if anyone looked into my room it would be difficult for them to come to a conclusion other than "A crazy person lives in here."

Thankfully my writing keeps me from venturing out into the street and spewing forth whatever nonsense happens to make its way from my feverish brain to my vocal chords. Most of the ideas that I write down eventually sell off their prime mental real estate and mosey off into the sunset regions of my brain. They're all still in there somewhere but at least they let me get some friggin' sleep at night.

And then there is The Pentagrathon. It is the singular vision I have for a young adult fantasy novel. It has churned in my head for longer then almost any other idea I've ever had. Sure, it only sprouted there back in March. But not a day has gone by when I have not thought about the Pentagrathon and written down something about it. Some days it's only a sentence, or a name, or some fleeting idea for a plot point. Other days it is pages and pages of notes, diagrams, plot arches, back story, settings, characters, mythology, cosmology and there's the crazy vomiting forth right there. Today all I did was refine a few names for some of the antagonist deities, whom I've called "Malfactals". This was the process for a single name:

  Yeah. I know. Tomorrow I might even change his name again. I'm finding all this world building a lot of fun but also a bit frustrating in that I'd really love to get started on writing this thing, once I get all of this freaking world building done! I've written maybe three pages of actual story compared to the twenty two plus pages of world building I've done. Also I made a mock up of what I'd like the book cover to look like:

Pretty cool, right? It's a magnified image of the fractal pattern created by a bacterial culture. It goes with themes and stuff.

So that's a little bit about my idea for a book. As half formed as it currently is I'm committed to writing this thing. I've stopped playing video games to concentrate on writing, with the exception of the occasionally round of bit Dungeon on my phone. If you know me at all then you will realize that this is a pretty big deal. The great thing is that I don't even miss gaming. The writing gives me more pleasure. And really that's how I know that I'm on to something here. Of course the proof will be there when I've got several hundred pages hammered out and I let somebody else read it. It's either that or I'm going completely crazy and this is a cry for help. You decide.

Seduced by the Splatter

Doing things with consistency is something I find extremely difficult. I've been running through an idea for a post for awhile and I've written some of it. Maybe it just needs some more time to gestate or something because I'm having trouble getting it done. There are so many things to distract my attention.  

One of the ways I've distracted myself recently was by bidding on a copy of the game Splatterhouse for the Turbografx 16, instructions and original box included.


 



I've had a thing for this game ever since playing it at a friend’s house back in the day. Nintendo dominated the schoolyard gamer set at the time and the Turbografx 16 was perceived as a somewhat exotic system. I only got to play it a handful of times and Splatterhouse stands out as the pinnacle of that experience. It was something I had never encountered before. I'd played many of the violent games of the time but Splatterhouse was the first to have a real horror atmosphere and the accompanying  gory elements.

 



What also really appealed to me about Splatterhouse was that it let you experience the  violent proclivity of Jason Voorhees yet still feel heroic. The goal of the game is to save your girlfriend as opposed to butchering as many bikini clad campers as possible.   I ended up winning the auction. I paid way too much for it. It was totally worth it. I’m really looking forward to spending the quality time with Splatterhouse I didn’t get as a kid. So that’s what I’ll be going to do now instead of work on that other post. 

And Occasionally Left

A dramatic ode to the great video game struggle of the 80s and 90s: to move from the left of the screen ever onward to the right. And then occasionally back to the left if there was a good power up you missed. Enjoy this while I struggle to complete my mythical longer post. 

Quick Kinect Quarry

I have a post I'm working on. Not this post, another post that will be much grander in scale. Just thought I'd make a quick entry to reassure those that may suspect from past experience that I will abandon this blog after one post. This is not the case as I feel sure that I have at least one more long-winded rant of a post left in me. In the mean time this is a thought I had that I'm sharing now.

Could the Xbox Kinect have any redeeming education uses? Talented individuals have hacked the device and used it in a variety of brilliant ways Microsoft surely never intended (but they should have). One of my favourites is that surgeons have used the Kinect to access information on the fly hands-free which avoids having to re-sterilize themselves.

Of course I am not the first to wonder about Kinects possible educational uses. The people behind the site KinectEDucation.com have a video featuring many interesting ideas for Kinect use in education.

I wonder if there could be some literacy based Kinect uses? I'm thinking something like story time for kids during which someone reads from a book and as they do so there are activities on screen that would let kids interact with what's happening in the book. I'm sure someone's already working on that.

What do you think? Would Kinect in the classroom just be letting even more video games permeate children's lives? Or could re-purposing an entertainment device for educational use help to capture the attention of the ADD generation and be a real benefit to educators? Comment away!

Some Kind Of Mutant Teenagers From Outer Space

I had previously been thinking about the new live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie that will soon be hurtling towards us like a blurry Michael Bay explosion of crazy crap. Currently I am trying not to think about it too much because it makes me angry. When I found out that the Bay’splosion Man was producing this movie I immediately tried to write it off. I didn't want to get my hopes up for a movie that never had a chance from day one. But then Michael Bay said that the Turtles were aliens. And then the title of the movie was changed to simply “Ninja Turtles”. It is very hard for me not to respond to these ridiculous affronts to the TMNT mythos. I think Michael Bay is just a huge troll trying his best to make every single Turtles fan cry into their pillows at night. Mission accomplished, you dick.

So I’m done thinking about that movie. Life must go on, and dealing with the Ninja Turtles tragedy has lead me to ponder something else: if Michael Bay wants his movie to be about a cadre of wisecracking anthropomorphic teenagers from space instead of the sewer then he should have just made a Battletoads movie. Because that would be glorious.

  

In the early 90’s the massive success of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles meant that every single toy and media company on earth wanted to create their own squad of animal dudes with attitude. The Battletoads are by far my favourite of these bandwagon characters and will forever hold a place at the top of that massive mutant heap (sorry Street Sharks).  

The creators of Battletoads were savvy in the way they introduced the characters to the world. The turtles started as a small press comic book before becoming a hydra headed merchandising extravaganza. The toys and the animated series that was created to sell the toys were both huge. All the me-too characters that followed the Ninja Turtles took a similar route: a toy line marketed with a cartoon. The creators of Battletoads realized that going a similar route into a saturated market was futile and instead targeted the one area of media that the Turtles had initially failed in: video games.

The first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game for the Nintendo Entertainment System was garbage. Everyone hates that game. It was so poorly designed that it was impossible to have any fun playing it. Even the biggest Turtles fan would hesitate to argue conversely. So the Battletoads were launched with a videogame for the NES and it became legendary. 

It was one of the best looking games on the system, it had amazing music, and it was hard as balls. This game is sadistic. There are 12 levels. I have never passed level 3. One of my personal goals in life is to finally muster the skills to beat the dreaded Turbo Tunnel. Climbing Everest walking backwards would probably be a less onerous task.

So that’s a lot about Battletoads. I honestly think this would be a much better property for Michael Bay to turn into excrement. While Turtles fans are pissed off their beloved franchise is to be tarnished by a shaky cam smear of a movie, Battletoads fans would be elated to have a movie in the works. Or any new media for that matter. I think a movie about a bunch of giant toad dudes ripping through space while cartoonishly splattering monsters and making bodily function jokes is a movie even Bay couldn’t make unentertaining. Also the Dark Queen is hot. It would be a good role for Megan Fox if she hadn’t pissed the Baypocalypse off so much.

The final thought that I had concerning Battletoads is this: why should I let Count Bayula suck the good out of Battletoads? I could write an amazing script for Battletoads: The Movie! So I think this is a task I will undertake until I realize that I’m basically writing Battletoads fan-fic and that is sad. I’ll keep you updated.  

Expect Mostly This

Kate Beaton is a comic genius. I would like to think that in 2063, at the age of 83, I will have wiser observations than just the fact that Thundercats was a good show. Hopefully I will also remember that it was a show of many flaws and absurdities such as the incredibly annoying Berbils. Even Lion-O hated the Berbils, a race of talking robotic bears.  

I do sincerely hope that this blog isn't just going to be one big manchild wank fest. Nobody wants that. 

My real goal is just to set loose the myriad of thoughts I have turning and turning in the widening gyre of my  mind. They are taking up an inordinate amount of space and perhaps there is the off chance that they will be entertaining to others. Here's hoping.